Back in the spring of 1999, I rode out of the Honda/Suzuki dealership in Waterville, ME with one of my largest purchases since graduating college the spring before...a brand new motorcycle, a Suzuki Katana 750. At the time, it was the only thing that I owned to which I held the title. It was mine... My wife and I have a lot of fond memories on that motorcycle, from just going for a leisurely ride around town to "flying" down interstate 95 (I think we might have broken the 130 mph mark a few times..., yes, this was BC - before children). When we were married in the fall of 2000, several of our wedding pictures were taken on that bike. We rode it to Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor, ME. I even got my mother, the woman that told me once that it would be over her dead body when I got a motorcycle, to ride on it with me during one of her trips to visit Tiffany and I in Maine. (granted it was just in the hotel parking lot). We enjoyed riding with friends of ours, who also had bikes. When my wife and I were buying our first house, we rode the motorcycle by the house nearly every evening while we were waiting for the sale to close.
The motorcycle was a symbol of independence. Thinking back there was probably an element of maturity to it (believe it or not) regarding a young man (although that does suggest that I may not be a young man any longer...bummer) who was starting to forge his own path in life, make his own choices, control his own destiny...
Now, fast forward 12 years. Between getting married, full time employment, starting a family (a child born in each of the following years, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2009, 2011), enrolling in an MBA program in 2000 and finishing in 2005 (the "one class per semester" plan), two corporate driven moves and all the rights of passage and other life events that occurred in between, I found myself looking at my motorcycle this spring (2011) and reflecting on the mileage on the bike and realizing that despite all the memories, we really have not ridden this motorcycle all that much. There was only 6200 miles on a 16 year old bike (the model year was 1995, it was a dealer holdover when I bought it). Yet, we were paying to insure and maintain it every year...was it for nostalgic reasons only? Did I truly believe that I would ride it more this summer, like I had been telling myself every spring for years, or was I kidding myself? I think the final straw was taking the bike in to be serviced this year. About $450 later (damn ethanol fuel...) I decided that there is a season for everything, and this was not necessarily the time in our lives where a motorcycle still made sense. So, I decided to sell it (note that I said that I decided to sell it).
So, I listed the bike on Craig's List and it was only a few days and interest was being expressed. After about a week, I received a text message from a "young kid" (18 years old) that was interested in the motorcycle. He came by, looked at the bike and asked if he could come back with his father a little later. After thinking to myself, "yea, right..." I agreed and to his credit, he came back a few hours later with his father and they bought it on the spot. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, having sold the bike so quickly, as I came inside the house (with a big wad of cash in hand) to get the title and print the bill of sale. I returned outside to complete the sale and after the new owners drove off with the bike, I came back into the house and only then realized that my wife was in the kitchen, holding our newest daughter, with tears in her (my wife's) eyes.
Immediately, I asked what was wrong, thinking that maybe my wife just hurt herself somehow, maybe she banged her funny bone, cut her finger or god forbid got some bad news on the phone. But, something told me it was none of those. It turned out she was upset over the sale of the motorcycle. She was upset that she did not get to take one last ride on the bike (aka...say goodbye). I did not recognize until that moment that while I saw a motorcycle that despite some good memories, was underutilized, was costing us money and taking up space in the garage, my wife saw it as an "end" to an era, the "death" of a piece of our past, one of the last mementos of a part of our history as a couple. The sale of that motorcycle represented one of the last symbols of a time in our life that we will never get back.
Through the last 12 years, our lives have experienced an immense amount of change and as a result, we have (right or wrong, good or bad...) changed along with it. That bike was from another time in our lives, a persistent symbol that has remained static while the rest of our lives have been in never ending flux. It had become more than just a motorcycle to her, it was part of us, a piece of our history, a symbol of a time in our lives where we as individuals became an us...arguably a simpler time in our lives where we had our entire future ahead of us.
Despite the occasional reminiscing of those times, I think Tiffany would agree that we would never give up what we have today to go back to that time, but the motorcycle, like a trophy you earned as a kid, or like a college yearbook was a conduit to the past, to a different time where there are fond memories, and now it is gone.
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Friday, October 14, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Loss...Part 2
My wife is a very sensitive person by nature who is extremely tuned into her feelings and emotions. The extent to which this is true has become clearer to me every year that we have been married (going on 11 years). When we experienced loss, there were so many different emotions that she was experiencing that, at the time, I just did not understand and frankly, was unable to comprehend. I found it very difficult to appreciate and empathize with what she was going through. Probably the most difficult emotion that I struggled with was the severity with which my wife applied her coping mechanisms for dealing with loss, the duration that these mechanisms remained in force, even if we were actively trying to conceive again and despite the fact that neither of us were decided that we were done building our family.
At the time I felt that her actions were avoidance tactics and while understandable when the pain of loss was fresh, after several months it seemed it was excessive and completely unreasonable. I thought that she was just avoiding dealing with the pain, avoiding doing the "tough stuff" to get on the road to healing. Looking now through more "seasoned" eyes, I am amazed and often feel ashamed that I had such a hard time seeing her actions for what they were, that I was so hard on her by condemning her for her actions, that I blamed her for her actions. I did not realize the depth of the pain that she felt, I did not realize that some cuts are so deep, and so raw, that extreme measures are needed to slowly heal the wound. I did not see that her actions were not avoidance, she was not putting off dealing with the pain or repressing her feelings. She was surviving as best she knew how, she was using every tool available to her, even if only temporarily, to numb the pain of loss just long enough to start the tough climb out of the cavern that loss put her into.
I would never want to go back to that time in our life, the feelings and emotions just cut too deep, but I also have regrets that I would give anything to rectify. I regret that I did not listen more, and I mean truly listen to the pain she was in, and look for more cues from her for how I could have helped. I regret that I contributed to her pain rather than helped her through it, despite the fact that I thought I was helping via my actions at the time. At a time where she needed support, someone to back up the way she felt, I did not fill that roll. However, I take comfort in the fact that, despite the length of the road traveled, we got through it and are stronger people, a stronger couple as a result, and I think Tiffany would agree.
As a final thought on loss, my wife and I were discussing this the other night and we both agreed that the pain of a loss never really goes away. You do move on, but you never really fully get over it. The cuts heal, but they leave scars that serve as little reminders of what might have been. Following a loss you are a little less naive, perhaps a little more guarded, the experience forever changes you as a person. You develop a different perspective, take certain things a little less for granted, and truly earn an appreciation for the miracle that life is.
At the time I felt that her actions were avoidance tactics and while understandable when the pain of loss was fresh, after several months it seemed it was excessive and completely unreasonable. I thought that she was just avoiding dealing with the pain, avoiding doing the "tough stuff" to get on the road to healing. Looking now through more "seasoned" eyes, I am amazed and often feel ashamed that I had such a hard time seeing her actions for what they were, that I was so hard on her by condemning her for her actions, that I blamed her for her actions. I did not realize the depth of the pain that she felt, I did not realize that some cuts are so deep, and so raw, that extreme measures are needed to slowly heal the wound. I did not see that her actions were not avoidance, she was not putting off dealing with the pain or repressing her feelings. She was surviving as best she knew how, she was using every tool available to her, even if only temporarily, to numb the pain of loss just long enough to start the tough climb out of the cavern that loss put her into.
I would never want to go back to that time in our life, the feelings and emotions just cut too deep, but I also have regrets that I would give anything to rectify. I regret that I did not listen more, and I mean truly listen to the pain she was in, and look for more cues from her for how I could have helped. I regret that I contributed to her pain rather than helped her through it, despite the fact that I thought I was helping via my actions at the time. At a time where she needed support, someone to back up the way she felt, I did not fill that roll. However, I take comfort in the fact that, despite the length of the road traveled, we got through it and are stronger people, a stronger couple as a result, and I think Tiffany would agree.
As a final thought on loss, my wife and I were discussing this the other night and we both agreed that the pain of a loss never really goes away. You do move on, but you never really fully get over it. The cuts heal, but they leave scars that serve as little reminders of what might have been. Following a loss you are a little less naive, perhaps a little more guarded, the experience forever changes you as a person. You develop a different perspective, take certain things a little less for granted, and truly earn an appreciation for the miracle that life is.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Loss...Part 1
This is a very difficult topic, both for me personally, as well as for many couples out there, and especially my wife. I would love to be able to say that our journey to build our family was without experiencing the feelings and emotions associated with loss, but unfortunately I would be lying. I would also be lying if I told you I felt qualified to discuss this particular topic. Nevertheless, having personally experienced loss with my wife, I have some thoughts and perceptions that I would like to share. My hope is that somewhere in my ramblings another husband might glean some understanding about what his wife might be going through, or conversely, perhaps a woman might gain some insight into what her husband might be feeling.
This is directed towards my fellow males out there. A loss very early on in pregnancy, regardless of how many weeks pregnant your wife is, be it four weeks, six weeks or more, you are still loosing a living being that is your baby. This is not a religious, life starts at conception, argument. The fact of the matter is that in a woman's heart, mind and soul, she knows that there is a child growing in her belly, and she is already formulating in her mind what life will be like with a baby, the dream that is a child has come true, even just days after finding out that she is pregnant. In the event of a loss, that dream has been violently disrupted, just a few moments prior your wife was on cloud nine, now she feels a void, like something is missing, like something has been unfairly or unjustly taken away. She has lost something that was very real to her, she as lost her baby, and with that comes very deep feelings of grief, confusion and possibly even guilt. This can be, for some males (me included), very difficult to comprehend, albeit understandably so, particularly with a loss that happens very early on in pregnancy. While your wife is starting to feel changes in her body, she is making not only a mental connection, but a physical one as well to the new life growing inside her. We as men are just observers at this point. We do not experience the same emotional and physical connection that our wive's feel at this stage. Those feelings of attachment typically come a bit later for us when we can see the changes in our wive's body, when we can see her belly has grown, feel the kicking and squirming, see the baby on the ultrasound. If for only this reason, the emotions a husband and wife feel, are in my experience, very different during and after a loss. And both husband and wife should accept that this is okay. I think the key to helping each other navigate this difficult time is to understand the above reality. With that understanding comes the compassion that will be necessary to make it through.
In my case, I remember feeling as though my role was to be the strong shoulder to cry on, the one that ensures that life moves on, and as such I did not take the time nor make the effort to share in the emotions my wife was feeling. I thought that being the "voice of reason", being emotionally void, was the best way to help her. I was wrong. At the time, I did not understand or appreciate what I wrote above, and as such we experienced not only the pain of the loss of our child, but also the loss of the emotional connection that a husband and wife share. This was a difficult time, however we learned a lot about eachother, how we respond to difficult situations as well as what each of us needs to grieve. We got through it and I can say that we as a couple are stronger for it.
This is directed towards my fellow males out there. A loss very early on in pregnancy, regardless of how many weeks pregnant your wife is, be it four weeks, six weeks or more, you are still loosing a living being that is your baby. This is not a religious, life starts at conception, argument. The fact of the matter is that in a woman's heart, mind and soul, she knows that there is a child growing in her belly, and she is already formulating in her mind what life will be like with a baby, the dream that is a child has come true, even just days after finding out that she is pregnant. In the event of a loss, that dream has been violently disrupted, just a few moments prior your wife was on cloud nine, now she feels a void, like something is missing, like something has been unfairly or unjustly taken away. She has lost something that was very real to her, she as lost her baby, and with that comes very deep feelings of grief, confusion and possibly even guilt. This can be, for some males (me included), very difficult to comprehend, albeit understandably so, particularly with a loss that happens very early on in pregnancy. While your wife is starting to feel changes in her body, she is making not only a mental connection, but a physical one as well to the new life growing inside her. We as men are just observers at this point. We do not experience the same emotional and physical connection that our wive's feel at this stage. Those feelings of attachment typically come a bit later for us when we can see the changes in our wive's body, when we can see her belly has grown, feel the kicking and squirming, see the baby on the ultrasound. If for only this reason, the emotions a husband and wife feel, are in my experience, very different during and after a loss. And both husband and wife should accept that this is okay. I think the key to helping each other navigate this difficult time is to understand the above reality. With that understanding comes the compassion that will be necessary to make it through.
In my case, I remember feeling as though my role was to be the strong shoulder to cry on, the one that ensures that life moves on, and as such I did not take the time nor make the effort to share in the emotions my wife was feeling. I thought that being the "voice of reason", being emotionally void, was the best way to help her. I was wrong. At the time, I did not understand or appreciate what I wrote above, and as such we experienced not only the pain of the loss of our child, but also the loss of the emotional connection that a husband and wife share. This was a difficult time, however we learned a lot about eachother, how we respond to difficult situations as well as what each of us needs to grieve. We got through it and I can say that we as a couple are stronger for it.
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