Loss...Part 2

My wife is a very sensitive person by nature who is extremely tuned into her feelings and emotions.  The extent to which this is true has become clearer to me every year that we have been married (going on 11 years).  When we experienced loss, there were so many different emotions that she was experiencing that, at the time, I just did not understand and frankly, was unable to comprehend.  I found it very difficult to appreciate and empathize with what she was going through.  Probably the most difficult emotion that I struggled with was the severity with which my wife applied her coping mechanisms for dealing with loss, the duration that these mechanisms remained in force,  even if we were actively trying to conceive again and despite the fact that neither of us were decided that we were done building our family.  

At the time I felt that her actions were avoidance tactics and while understandable when the pain of loss was fresh, after several months it seemed it was excessive and completely unreasonable.  I thought that she was just avoiding dealing with the pain, avoiding doing the "tough stuff" to get on the road to healing.   Looking now through more "seasoned" eyes, I am amazed and often feel ashamed that I had such a hard time seeing her actions for what they were, that I was so hard on her by condemning her for her actions, that I blamed her for her actions.   I did not realize the depth of the pain that she felt, I did not realize that some cuts are so deep, and so raw, that extreme measures are needed to slowly heal the wound.  I did not see that her actions were not avoidance, she was not putting off dealing with the pain or repressing her feelings.  She was surviving as best she knew how, she was using every tool available to her, even if only temporarily, to numb the pain of loss just long enough to start the tough climb out of the cavern that loss put her into.  

I would never want to go back to that time in our life, the feelings and emotions just cut too deep, but I also have regrets that I would give anything to rectify.  I regret that I did not listen more, and I mean truly listen to the pain she was in, and look for more cues from her for how I could have helped.  I regret that I contributed to her pain rather than helped her through it, despite the fact that I thought I was helping via my actions at the time.  At a time where she needed support, someone to back up the way she felt, I did not fill that roll. However, I take comfort in the fact that, despite the length of the road traveled, we got through it and are stronger people, a stronger couple as a result, and I think Tiffany would agree.

As a final thought on loss,  my wife and I were discussing this the other night and we both agreed that the pain of a loss never really goes away.  You do move on, but you never really fully get over it.  The cuts heal, but they leave scars that serve as little reminders of what might have been.  Following a loss you are a little less naive, perhaps a little more guarded, the experience forever changes you as a person.  You develop a different perspective, take certain things a little less for granted, and truly earn an appreciation for the miracle that life is.