Love Languages

My wife and I recently finished a book (for the second time) called "The Five Love Languages" (www.5lovelanguages.com). The premise of the book is that each of us communicate love in different ways (the author, Gary Chapman, has broken this down into 5 main love languages) and the key to a fulfilling, happy marriage is to make sure you are speaking your spouses love language.  Each of us has a "love tank", and when our spouse is showing us love by speaking our primary love language, then our tank fills up.  If love is not being communicated in the right language, our tanks remain empty, and as a result, we become unhappy, withdrawn, or worse.  Unfortunately, we usually tend to speak the love language that fills our own tank, the one that would be most meaningful to us, regardless of whether or not it is the language that fills our spouse's tank.  This is why a man, who thinks he is showing his wife that he loves her by mowing the lawn, painting the hallway, unloading the dishwasher, washing the car, etc... (the love language Acts of Service) is surprised when she tells him she does not feel loved (her love tank is on empty), that he never spends any time with her (Quality Time) or he never brings her flowers unannounced (Receiving Gifts).  The man was not speaking her primary love language.  
The five love languages that the author describes are as follows:
1.  Acts of Service - such as making dinner, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, paying the bills, etc...
2.  Words of Affirmation - saying thank you, saying how appreciative you are for things your spouse has done or is doing, compliment their appearance, provide encouragement, praise, etc...
3.  Receiving Gifts - gifts for no reason such as flowers, a love note, a small trinket, the gift of time, etc...there is no need for it to be expensive.
4.  Quality Time - spending one on one time together, focussed attention on each other, even if for only 10 minutes, talking a walk, going to the movies, going out to dinner, etc...
5.  Physical Touch - holding hands, a touch on the small of the back, a kiss, a massage, a foot rub and yes, cause I know what I thought of the first time I read the book, other "extra curricular" bedroom activities.

Perhaps the most interesting, and maybe the most surprising premise of the book is the assertion that love is not a feeling, it is actually a choice, an ability that is demonstrated by choosing to love our spouse in a way that fills up their "love tank" by speaking their love language.  It is a choice that we make every day, a choice that allows for personal growth and for us to affect the growth of another individual.  Alternatively, being "in-love" is a feeling, a feeling that does not contribute to personal growth or the growth of another individual such as our spouse.  Being in-love gives us the false sense, the illusion if you will, that we have no further to grow,that we have arrived.  

We have all experienced the in-love feeling, think back to when you first met your spouse.  Think about the flutters in your stomach, the undeniable feeling that you have met "the one", that you have met the person you were going to marry, the excitement and nervousness before a date, the anticipation felt prior to seeing him or her.  When in-love, we often times overlook or just cannot see some of differences we might have with our significant other.  Our sight is clouded by the in-love experience.  However, as most of us have probably experienced, the in-love emotion is usually temporary.  It is superficial, it wears off as the trials and tribulations of life unfold, as life's responsibilities take over in the form of children, work, a mortgage, bills, etc...  

However, in successful marriages, in flourishing relationships,  what replaces the in-love experience is better.  It is a deeper emotional connection with another human being that the in-love experience cannot even begin to touch.  This book provides a roadmap to finding that place, and the key is being able to identify what your spouses primary love language is, and then make the commitment to speak it.